Category Archives: humor

blog, humor, news, politics

Latest Amok Florida Hair Poll: Cain adds nothing to Gingrich as Romney hair spikes

If you want to know the way the winds are blowing in advance of Tuesday’s Florida GOP Primary, trust the Amok Hair Poll.

Believe me, all I know about hair I learned from my TV News career and Ronald Reagan. And from my vantage point in the reddest part of the bluest state,  I can tell you that the latest development, Herman Cain’s endorsement of Newt Gingrich, does nothing to alter the race.

Cain is a …BALD  man. And the bald vote is not in play in Florida.

The best Cain could do for Newt is not endorse, but merely take away Gingrich’s hairspray and muss up the white helmet look.  Or change the helmet from an SEC football-style  to a USC Centurion-style with that mohawky spike down the middle.

Or just let your hair hang down, Newt. It might solidify the “foreclosed on and unemployed” vote you desperately need in order to win on primary day.  Until then, Gingrich needs so much hair spray to maintain his position, a victory seems unlikely.

As for Mitt Romney, he’s actually gained in the Amok Hair Poll. In a few recent photo-ops, the Mitter has appeared absolutely dishevelled– for him.  A hair out of place? How about hairs?  This is a good development which indicates Romney has actually been outdoors! Maybe even talking with regular folks. His hair in Debate II this past week was almost Brian Grazer-like spiky. This is a good trend for Romney who needs to overcome his image of “Perfect Rich Man.” I mean, the guy didn’t even claim a home mortgage deduction. He’s otherworldly. That’s why the hair is important.

As for the others, Ron Paul and Santorum look like Supercuts guys.

Santorum has an altar boy cut. I’d still question his views on the life of the human hair follicle. When does hair begin?

Paul, on the other hand, has a durable cut—a haiirstyle that should wear well on the moon.

The value of our poll is quite clear. There are no more debates to make up ground before the vote on Tuesday. Candidates can squawk from the stump and ad blitz all they want. What’s really going on? It’s in the hair.

Note to media: You may use Amok Hair Poll results with proper attribution.

blog, humor, news, politics

Robert Reich explains the downgrade and what it would mean if it got even worse

 
If you haven’t seen this yet, it provides a little relief to the economic pain being felt by many in this country.

From Robert Reich’s website, a short film from his son.

If it doesn’t make you laugh out loud, then you must be among the corporate CEOs who got big bonuses and think the economy is not all thaaaat bad.


blog, diversity, humor, news, race

Alexandra Wallace for Asian Pacific American Heritage Month Queen?

In the nearly 15 years of  writing my “Amok” column in that historic ethnic media publication known as Asian Week, I can’t recall ever seeing a force unite such a disparate group as Asian Americans so totally. And just in time for heritage month.

Given our ethnic variety, never mind our generational differences, it would take a phenomenon of sorts to bring us all together. But then, there she was, like no one else in history, unifying us in these digital times, simply by appearing on the screen and saying the magic words: “Ching, chong, ting, tong, ling long.”

You mean Alexandra Wallace, that ex-UCLA chick who went viral on YouTube?

Wallace, the fresh face of unconscious racism,  gets my vote for San Francisco’s Asian Heritage Street Fair Queen. You might say, we don’t have a queen, at least not that kind. Or that in these modern times a queen is so passé.  But in 2011, Wallace, that ditzy blonde with a webcam and pushup bra, deserves something for waking up a community that normally stays silent.

Quiet Asians?  Not after Wallace did her thing.

If you’ve been living under a large ramen bowl the last six months, google Wallace and you’ll see how she castigated Asians at UCLA for being loud in the library, talking on their cell phones to call people about the Japanese earthquake and practically turning the dorms into Asian ghettoes.

Boorish and graceless, sure.  But then Wallace added a racist touch with her “ching-chong” talk.

It’s just so natural when you want to mock an Asian to get your “ching-chong” on.
 
The “ching-chong” joke has been with us for ages, just as fried chicken and watermelon jokes have hounded blacks since slavery. Today, only a truly racist and ignorant lout would be so unoriginal.

But sensitivity to Asians and Asian Americans just isn’t that far along. So we must endure the Wallaces of the world (and there are millions of them out there) and witness as they discover for the first time their inner “ching-chong” and think they’re being hysterically funny.

Blame it on the media. Trickle down doesn’t work in economic, but it does in pop culture.

Rosie O’Donnell, Rush Limbaugh, Adam Carolla et al. have all fed at the “ching-chong” trough. Morning DJs are notorious. Despite community protests, there’s still a green light that says mock away.

It’s about time the green light turns red.

As a private person, Wallace may deserve an ounce of sympathy. But in this case, she did it for world to see, on the internet, where revolutions are spawned.
 
Inadvertantly,she ushered in the anti-“ching-chong” revolution.

Web-savvy Asian Americans irate at Wallace’s insensitivity responded with videos of their own, some  showing real style..

Wallace ultimately took down her video and apologized. I’m sure she got some menacing taunts, but many more responses I saw seemed to be creative reactions from young Asian Americans.

Historically, Asian Americans have always been slow to meet the challenge of negative speech. A Wallace rant? It’s an invitation to debate. As a first amendment absolutist, I always believe in more speech not less. This time, the internet allowed Asian Americans to speak out.

Her political science professor, Phil Gussin thought some of it was too harsh..

“What Wallace did was hurtful and inexcusable, but the response has been far more egregious,” Gussin reportedly told the UCLA campus paper, the Daily Bruin. “ [Asian Americans] responded with greater levels of intolerance.”

No, I’d say Asian Americans woke up and decided it was time to stand up and be heard.

Besides, if there’s no hate behind her statements, just ignorance, then Wallace has nothing to fear.

She should have stayed in school. Maybe started dating Asian guys.

Remember, any negatives Wallace experienced are just a fraction of what Asian Americans have experienced since coming to America. From Exclusion Acts, to anti-miscegenation laws, to internment camps, Asian Americans have endured it all. We didn’t go away. If we had, there’d be no community worth being part of.

So, yo, Alexandra, thanks for bringing us all together.  Here’s an olive branch—to stand on—my unofficial  street fair queen. See you at the balut-eating contest?

I’m emceeing the event at the Street Fair in San Francisco. Wouldn’t it bee neat to see Alexandra suck a fertilized duck egg? I have one with her name on it!

blog, humor, news

Royal Wedding of Kate and Guillermo? Couldn’t do it. Not even for another Guillermo. What was 1776 all about? We left all that remember?

I was up. It was there for me to turn on.  I could have seen it live.

Instead, valuing my sleep, I resisted. If I see any of the hooha, I’ll catch a processed snippet. 

That may be  like shunning the cheddar for the Velveeta.  That should make you want to go vegan.  

Cutting out dairy? I cut out the Royal Wedding.

I had zero interest in the Royal Wedding.  The pre-wedding, the wedding-wedding, the post-wedding.

Everything about royalty is anti-democratic.  You’re born into it, unless you sleep into it. We celebrate that?

The royals aren’t particularly pretty, smart, or interesting. Everyone looks like Charles. Even the girls.

Do we really need another distraction? Aren’t the extremely long NHL/NBA playoffs enough?

By the way, hundreds of people are dead in the South, there’s several wars going on, Japan’s a wreck, people are out of work.  Here’s a job for them. Count the number of ugly hats at the Royal Wedding.

What we need in order to get re-focused on what matters is a distraction from  the distraction. Where’s the Tea Party on this issue when we really need them?

Why doesn’t the master of distraction, Donald Trump, turn his focus to the Royals. Someone tell him it’s better to be king than president. He could  raise the virginity issue for kicks as some did when Diana and Charles did their thing. He could demand to see blood test records. Have a reality show for Andrew’s real bride. He could use these antics to establish his foreign policy cred.  If only.

Actually, it’s great that the wedding took place so early in the morning. I wake and I’m done with it, like it never happened.  I’m up and ready for  the honeymoon. 

Maybe, I’d change my mind if William went by the more exotic Guillermo?  Nah.

Have a great day!